Dearest Snoring, GO AWAY

Ok a little product review is in order here, because I KNOW I have a ton of friends who use a CPAP Machine for Sleep Apnea and Snoring.

For the past 20 years, yours truly has been using a CPAP Machine. Slip it over my nose, turn it on, look like Darth Vader, sound like Darth Vader – it’s about as sexy as Mother Theresa dressed in nothing but six yards of Saran Wrap. Sure, my significant others have said it was no big deal over the years – I mean it beats snoring like a 747 (whatever that sounds like), and needing to pee my brains out all night – so ok, cool trade off, because snoring sucks.

However, how can you be a sexy motherfucker with a hose stuck to your head – I mean, nothing says sexy like the thing plastered to your face while you do your best ‘Luke I am your Father’ impression. It sucks – if I wanted a robo voice I’d be yelling into a box fan.

So for years, they have pared those machines down, smaller and smaller, quieter etc. but still you have to stick this thing on your head. And then a few weeks ago I found THIS –>

Yea, it’s a Mandibular Advancement Device called Vitalsleep. I’ve tried this bullshit before, and they have all done the same things; sore jaw, no improvement, and a pillow covered in drool – think I’m nuts? Put some marbles in your mouth and try not to salivate – impossible. However, this one was 59.00 and came with a 60 day guarantee. I mean if it didn’t work, ok, but I’m not out the money so why not. A friend tried it and liked it – as a matter of fact pretty much everything I read was positive.

So you boil it to fit your choppers – and then you hate it for a few days, trying to get used to this chunk of plastic in your mouth. And then one night you wake up after sleeping a full eight hours. Sure, that big white device looks hysterical in your mouth (think mega white teeth and a perma-smile) but so what. No drool, no snoring, and sleeeeeeeeeep!

Pretty Sexy Right? Ya Baby

I’m pretty sure the hardest part has been, and will remain for a while, how quiet the bedroom is now – I can FINALLY sleep like an adult – no hissing from a machine, regardless of how quiet it is. And because it’s a mouthpiece it can go with me anywhere – no more planning where the night will end so I can pack a machine (which unless you have done it, you don’t realize what a pain in the ass it is). I have to wear it a few more weeks before my final opinion is in, but it looks like with the weight loss and this cool little doo dad, I may finally be able to cut the cord. And that’s the tits!

SO … if you snore, have apnea, whatever – if your significant other thinks you are a significant douche for not getting this shit looked at, if you piss like a racehorse all night, and feel like a bus hit you in the morning, give it a shot. Like I said, none of these have ever worked, but this one? Don’t be surprised if I grab you for a solid eight, in whisper quiet bliss (with a cat sitting on my head – what is with that fucking cat?!)

Go to vitalsleep.com to learn more

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