Dearest Snoring, GO AWAY

Ok a little product review is in order here, because I KNOW I have a ton of friends who use a CPAP Machine for Sleep Apnea and Snoring.

For the past 20 years, yours truly has been using a CPAP Machine. Slip it over my nose, turn it on, look like Darth Vader, sound like Darth Vader – it’s about as sexy as Mother Theresa dressed in nothing but six yards of Saran Wrap. Sure, my significant others have said it was no big deal over the years – I mean it beats snoring like a 747 (whatever that sounds like), and needing to pee my brains out all night – so ok, cool trade off, because snoring sucks.

However, how can you be a sexy motherfucker with a hose stuck to your head – I mean, nothing says sexy like the thing plastered to your face while you do your best ‘Luke I am your Father’ impression. It sucks – if I wanted a robo voice I’d be yelling into a box fan.

So for years, they have pared those machines down, smaller and smaller, quieter etc. but still you have to stick this thing on your head. And then a few weeks ago I found THIS –>

Yea, it’s a Mandibular Advancement Device called Vitalsleep. I’ve tried this bullshit before, and they have all done the same things; sore jaw, no improvement, and a pillow covered in drool – think I’m nuts? Put some marbles in your mouth and try not to salivate – impossible. However, this one was 59.00 and came with a 60 day guarantee. I mean if it didn’t work, ok, but I’m not out the money so why not. A friend tried it and liked it – as a matter of fact pretty much everything I read was positive.

So you boil it to fit your choppers – and then you hate it for a few days, trying to get used to this chunk of plastic in your mouth. And then one night you wake up after sleeping a full eight hours. Sure, that big white device looks hysterical in your mouth (think mega white teeth and a perma-smile) but so what. No drool, no snoring, and sleeeeeeeeeep!

Pretty Sexy Right? Ya Baby

I’m pretty sure the hardest part has been, and will remain for a while, how quiet the bedroom is now – I can FINALLY sleep like an adult – no hissing from a machine, regardless of how quiet it is. And because it’s a mouthpiece it can go with me anywhere – no more planning where the night will end so I can pack a machine (which unless you have done it, you don’t realize what a pain in the ass it is). I have to wear it a few more weeks before my final opinion is in, but it looks like with the weight loss and this cool little doo dad, I may finally be able to cut the cord. And that’s the tits!

SO … if you snore, have apnea, whatever – if your significant other thinks you are a significant douche for not getting this shit looked at, if you piss like a racehorse all night, and feel like a bus hit you in the morning, give it a shot. Like I said, none of these have ever worked, but this one? Don’t be surprised if I grab you for a solid eight, in whisper quiet bliss (with a cat sitting on my head – what is with that fucking cat?!)

Go to vitalsleep.com to learn more

Pick a Side … Please

I’m adding content before I get to the real stuff – the escape from New England, the Javelina Attack, and the hilarious shit happening the past few years.

Now, perhaps I’m being a dick here – you tell me. It was explained to me by a friend of mine who shall remain nameless, that she likes to switch off sides of the bed here and there. WHAT? My reality came crashing down in one fell swoop – that shit’s not natural.

Meaning, while I hog the left side, she wanted to sleep there, but generally crashes on the right. I admit I couldn’t sleep following this horrible discovery. Maybe throw her a used t-shirt from the gym? wrap it around a wind up clock so it sounds like a heartbeat?

WHO doesn’t have a side of the bed? I mean I bought a King so I could sleep DIAGONALLY if I wanted, but someone who doesn’t have a side they sleep on?

I’ve managed to navigate through it all – not moving so much overnight so I don’t rip a tremendous fart and dutch oven anyone, learning to sleep without covers and not bitch about it, perfecting the slow roll and drop so as not to wake anyone, holding my bladder so god forbid I don’t wake up the dogs, making sure the toilet is porcelain white before company arrives, putting both socks in the SAME place so I could sneak out without waking her (and yea this is MY house we are talking about) but THIS … this could be a deal breaker.

Does anyone else feel my pain? I’m beside myself (on the right side of the bed it seems AGAIN) and it’s a little freaky. What’s next, ketchup on the scrambled eggs? She doesn’t like coffee and bacon? She uses mayonnaise to ‘butter’ her grilled cheese sandwiches? I’m at a loss.

Well, I’m back …

God this sucks …

It seems after 5 years of retirement, Ernie Souchak, the alleged former terror of Lowell Politics, and someone apparently confused with the Lowell Shallot, has re-emerged.  I wouldn’t mind being confused with the Shallot, but my Photoshop skills could never be confused with the Shallots love of Microsoft Paint … I digress, sorry.

So, word was a certain member of the City Council wanted to kill me, random strangers would walk up to me at the sidewalk Cafe and just start talking (apparently my pen name wasn’t much of a disguise), and someone tossing a broken glass table top down the trash chute from 4 stories up while I was clearing the chute wasn’t very nice.

All that, and some recent cajoling by friends has made it apparent I should be doing something I enjoy, outside of scraping paint off my House, and making a Sweater from lint collected from the Dryer. Default Color=Gray

I’m not here to put a bee in your bonnet, but to provide what I hope is interesting entertainment, without the Facebook bullshit – while I enjoy scrolling through posting after posting of political nonsense, fake news, and drunken Folk at 3 am airing dirty Laundry, it does get old. You understand the challenge – Savages

For those who asked, I did marry Nell … yes, I DID get on the goddamn Train, and YES, we did consummate the Union before we got married, despite almost getting myself killed courting Her (damn Mountain Lions)

Yes, Victor Wyoming was actually Cedar Falls, Washington on the now-abandoned Pacific Extension of the Milwaukee Road, and yes, they lied, Wyoming looks nothing like Washington. Still, it was pretty.

So, time to get back to my vintage Smith Corona Classic 12 Typewriter, and wake my old crunchy ass up. I’m starting to sound too much like my Father getting out of a chair. I hope you enjoy, and of course comments and criticisms are greatly appreciated, just keep it sane and respectful – Ernie