Pick a Side … Please

I’m adding content before I get to the real stuff – the escape from New England, the Javelina Attack, and the hilarious shit happening the past few years.

Now, perhaps I’m being a dick here – you tell me. It was explained to me by a friend of mine who shall remain nameless, that she likes to switch off sides of the bed here and there. WHAT? My reality came crashing down in one fell swoop – that shit’s not natural.

Meaning, while I hog the left side, she wanted to sleep there, but generally crashes on the right. I admit I couldn’t sleep following this horrible discovery. Maybe throw her a used t-shirt from the gym? wrap it around a wind up clock so it sounds like a heartbeat?

WHO doesn’t have a side of the bed? I mean I bought a King so I could sleep DIAGONALLY if I wanted, but someone who doesn’t have a side they sleep on?

I’ve managed to navigate through it all – not moving so much overnight so I don’t rip a tremendous fart and dutch oven anyone, learning to sleep without covers and not bitch about it, perfecting the slow roll and drop so as not to wake anyone, holding my bladder so god forbid I don’t wake up the dogs, making sure the toilet is porcelain white before company arrives, putting both socks in the SAME place so I could sneak out without waking her (and yea this is MY house we are talking about) but THIS … this could be a deal breaker.

Does anyone else feel my pain? I’m beside myself (on the right side of the bed it seems AGAIN) and it’s a little freaky. What’s next, ketchup on the scrambled eggs? She doesn’t like coffee and bacon? She uses mayonnaise to ‘butter’ her grilled cheese sandwiches? I’m at a loss.

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