So Your CPAP Mask Sucks

Ahhhh time for one of the most ‘UNSEXY’ posts ever … my review of the Phillips Respironics Dreamwear Nasal Mask (yes, a mask for a CPAP machine – because it’s not always glamorous being a Sasquatch).

I will tell you this posting is a year old, and since then I’ve lost weight, allowing me to use other alternatives. However, I still use my CPAP here and there, and this is some pretty good information for some of you that feel like crash victims with that thing hanging off your face, like some hideous chest burster from Alien.

A year old, but I figured I’d post it anyway, because I know I’m not the only one – as a matter of fact, the number of friends who use a CPAP, whether all the time, or just during allergy season, consistently amazes me. And let’s face it Folks, who DOESN’T want to sleep with Darth Vader? … so onto ‘The Review’

Now if you are the average user, you don’t need the damn thing all the time, but if your significant other enjoys a partner who sleeps through the night, doesn’t snore or toss and turn, doesn’t sweat and get up to pee constantly AND isn’t always wiped out, this thing is great. The upside (as if the previous ones weren’t enough) is an increase in energy … which usually manifests itself in someone being late for work ?

So, CPAPs are what they are, but the damn mask … I mean come on … it looks like something you administer oxygen with at an accident scene. Add to it, a goatee doesn’t allow it to seal properly, and you have a blue gel emergency room looking thing with gaps, allowing it to burp, fart and hiss in your partners face all night. If I’m going to crop dust, or pull an easy bake oven, I’m not going to do it with a piece of medical equipment. Additionally, the overflow vent is in the front (blowing in your partners face again), the straps leave marks (like you have been sleeping in the dumpster all night), and the tube connects in the front which is wildly inconvenient for side sleepers like myself.

So there you are in bed, eating mac and cheese at 3am in your work boots, and a ripped bathing suit, watching porn, thinking ‘what to do?’ … WELL …

I love the back of your head

Enter the Respironics Dreamwear Nasal Mask. This thing is the meat and potatoes – OK WHY? The mask, instead of covering your whole face, simply sits under your nose. Yea! No straps to wear out, adjust, or replace. No dumpster marks on your face. The air intake is at the TOP of the headgear, so no more hissing in people’s faces – this also makes it a snap for side sleepers. The super soft nasal pillow seals perfectly, so no more burps, farts, and whistles. No more having the dog leave the bedroom because he/she simply found you annoying.

This thing allows you to use your CPAP when you need to, while still looking like a sexy mother fucker with a piece of plastic stuck to your face …. attached to a hose … attached to a little machine … plugged into the wall … eh whatever.

The kit was under one hundred dollars and contained everything needed for any head size. Just use the little nose gauge and attach the correct pillow for a perfect seal.

My first night was a bit of an adjustment period, but last night? VIOLA! Slept like a rock – no issues, no waking up to a bad seal, nobody glaring back at me floating ping pong balls in the air stream, no worries about being smothered with my own pillow (because she is going to kill me eventually anyway) NONE of that.

So in the end, if you have a CPAP, and find the dog has disowned you and your mask is driving you crazy …. Check out this one, you won’t regret it.

Dearest Snoring, GO AWAY

Ok a little product review is in order here, because I KNOW I have a ton of friends who use a CPAP Machine for Sleep Apnea and Snoring.

For the past 20 years, yours truly has been using a CPAP Machine. Slip it over my nose, turn it on, look like Darth Vader, sound like Darth Vader – it’s about as sexy as Mother Theresa dressed in nothing but six yards of Saran Wrap. Sure, my significant others have said it was no big deal over the years – I mean it beats snoring like a 747 (whatever that sounds like), and needing to pee my brains out all night – so ok, cool trade off, because snoring sucks.

However, how can you be a sexy motherfucker with a hose stuck to your head – I mean, nothing says sexy like the thing plastered to your face while you do your best ‘Luke I am your Father’ impression. It sucks – if I wanted a robo voice I’d be yelling into a box fan.

So for years, they have pared those machines down, smaller and smaller, quieter etc. but still you have to stick this thing on your head. And then a few weeks ago I found THIS –>

Yea, it’s a Mandibular Advancement Device called Vitalsleep. I’ve tried this bullshit before, and they have all done the same things; sore jaw, no improvement, and a pillow covered in drool – think I’m nuts? Put some marbles in your mouth and try not to salivate – impossible. However, this one was 59.00 and came with a 60 day guarantee. I mean if it didn’t work, ok, but I’m not out the money so why not. A friend tried it and liked it – as a matter of fact pretty much everything I read was positive.

So you boil it to fit your choppers – and then you hate it for a few days, trying to get used to this chunk of plastic in your mouth. And then one night you wake up after sleeping a full eight hours. Sure, that big white device looks hysterical in your mouth (think mega white teeth and a perma-smile) but so what. No drool, no snoring, and sleeeeeeeeeep!

Pretty Sexy Right? Ya Baby

I’m pretty sure the hardest part has been, and will remain for a while, how quiet the bedroom is now – I can FINALLY sleep like an adult – no hissing from a machine, regardless of how quiet it is. And because it’s a mouthpiece it can go with me anywhere – no more planning where the night will end so I can pack a machine (which unless you have done it, you don’t realize what a pain in the ass it is). I have to wear it a few more weeks before my final opinion is in, but it looks like with the weight loss and this cool little doo dad, I may finally be able to cut the cord. And that’s the tits!

SO … if you snore, have apnea, whatever – if your significant other thinks you are a significant douche for not getting this shit looked at, if you piss like a racehorse all night, and feel like a bus hit you in the morning, give it a shot. Like I said, none of these have ever worked, but this one? Don’t be surprised if I grab you for a solid eight, in whisper quiet bliss (with a cat sitting on my head – what is with that fucking cat?!)

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